Numbers & Regrets
Friday 23rd FEB 07 11:45pm
The Chinese New Year has come and gone. It's the time where chinese kids feel rich and have new clothes to wear and nice food to eat. How was your income this year? Enough to buy that handphone model you always wanted? Or maybe it was only enough for that one movie indulgence and a meal at a high end resturant? Whatever your takings for this year is, i sincerely hope that you are happy and have put your money to good use.
For me, the new year was satisfying. I managed to spend time with my sister and brothers. My family. One which i love and care for so much. My sister Desiree, brothers Alan and QingAn, we managed to meet and even have a meal together, albeit at different times. Then i have my juniors Isaac and Jonathan, both of whom are just like my own flesh and blood to me. We went for a drive in my car, chatted, and hopefully connected more with each other.
I also managed to go visit my grandmother's place with my sister for once in a very long time.
Of course, i would have liked to meet up with people like my best friend Colin, who is an air steward now so he flies quite often, also Julius, who is so near yet so far to me. Confusing? let's just say he has a very unpredicatable schedule. Then i have Lester and Eddie, who also seems to be MIA and cannot meet up with me due to one reason or another. But i take it in my stride. Life is never fair. Sometimes you are given what you want, sometimes things you want are taken from you.
During the CNY holidays i have sent a number of invitations out for my open house visit. I am sad to say that most if not all of them did not turn up, but for my sis and brothers. I guess i should have known this to be the case anyway.
As it is, when i look at the entries in my phone book, there are only a few numbers who i can call or sms. Is the same thing happening to you too? A handphone full of numbers but none whom you can actually call to confer with? If the answer is NO, then you are lucky. Treasure it. Be thankful.
I was reading this young girl's bones the other day and i was reminded of my own insecurities in life.
The old Lunar Year has been draining on me. I have lost much in terms of time and money. I am still hurting from a very big betrayal that was recent. And after all this, i have asked myself; Am i good enough? Have i done enough?
I still cannot understand why he betrayed me. I realised that this is the reason why it still hurts me so much, and that i just cannot move on and close this chapter in my life. There is no closure. There isn't because i do not yet know the reason for this. I question myself if i have not done enough. Where have i gone wrong? What have i done wrong? Did i do enough? Did i do too much?
And then Isaac and Jon told me i was irritating. I realised that maybe all these while, i was living in a fantasy. I always thought, HOPED that if you show people you are true and sincere, make that little effort, people will come to realise that you indeed DO care for them and treat them special. They, in turn, will place you in that little place in their hearts. I tried too hard. The truth is, i am and never was their brother or kin. I will never be someone whom they will worry and cry for if anything were to happen. They have their own life to lead and definately i can't be in any part of it.
You may counter that i am perhaps thinking too much. Am i?
Why then did Zax do what he did to me? I loved him so much, and i practically gave him all i could and possessed. He still could find the heart to stab me in my soul. If he could do this to me, what is stopping the rest from doing the same? Can i take another blow like this? No, i know i can't.
I'm scared. I'm tired and i'm really hurtting.
I'm scared i have someone else i love deeply leaving me. Of loseing that person for good. And with no reason.
I fear that i would not be respected, I fear i would be laughed at, I fear my juniors will point their fingers at me and laugh. I fear i am not good enough, not worth nor fit to be an elder brother to anyone. How can i claim to be anyone's mentor when i am nothing but a freak of nature myself? One that goes against nature and loves the wrong things and persons as the world has deemed it?
Zax said as much. He told me in my face. I'm a freak of nature, one that he will never accept, one that he will always hate and despise with his every breath.
I'm so tired of looking over my shoulder. Waiting for something to happen.
I'm hurting so much i cannot function.
Maybe i should just put an end to this. At the state i am now, am i still of any good to anybody?
They should have never known me in the first place. They would have been better off not knowing about me. Maybe that's what i did wrong in the first place.
I decided to love.
EarlGrey
The Chinese New Year has come and gone. It's the time where chinese kids feel rich and have new clothes to wear and nice food to eat. How was your income this year? Enough to buy that handphone model you always wanted? Or maybe it was only enough for that one movie indulgence and a meal at a high end resturant? Whatever your takings for this year is, i sincerely hope that you are happy and have put your money to good use.
For me, the new year was satisfying. I managed to spend time with my sister and brothers. My family. One which i love and care for so much. My sister Desiree, brothers Alan and QingAn, we managed to meet and even have a meal together, albeit at different times. Then i have my juniors Isaac and Jonathan, both of whom are just like my own flesh and blood to me. We went for a drive in my car, chatted, and hopefully connected more with each other.
I also managed to go visit my grandmother's place with my sister for once in a very long time.
Of course, i would have liked to meet up with people like my best friend Colin, who is an air steward now so he flies quite often, also Julius, who is so near yet so far to me. Confusing? let's just say he has a very unpredicatable schedule. Then i have Lester and Eddie, who also seems to be MIA and cannot meet up with me due to one reason or another. But i take it in my stride. Life is never fair. Sometimes you are given what you want, sometimes things you want are taken from you.
During the CNY holidays i have sent a number of invitations out for my open house visit. I am sad to say that most if not all of them did not turn up, but for my sis and brothers. I guess i should have known this to be the case anyway.
As it is, when i look at the entries in my phone book, there are only a few numbers who i can call or sms. Is the same thing happening to you too? A handphone full of numbers but none whom you can actually call to confer with? If the answer is NO, then you are lucky. Treasure it. Be thankful.
I was reading this young girl's bones the other day and i was reminded of my own insecurities in life.
The old Lunar Year has been draining on me. I have lost much in terms of time and money. I am still hurting from a very big betrayal that was recent. And after all this, i have asked myself; Am i good enough? Have i done enough?
I still cannot understand why he betrayed me. I realised that this is the reason why it still hurts me so much, and that i just cannot move on and close this chapter in my life. There is no closure. There isn't because i do not yet know the reason for this. I question myself if i have not done enough. Where have i gone wrong? What have i done wrong? Did i do enough? Did i do too much?
And then Isaac and Jon told me i was irritating. I realised that maybe all these while, i was living in a fantasy. I always thought, HOPED that if you show people you are true and sincere, make that little effort, people will come to realise that you indeed DO care for them and treat them special. They, in turn, will place you in that little place in their hearts. I tried too hard. The truth is, i am and never was their brother or kin. I will never be someone whom they will worry and cry for if anything were to happen. They have their own life to lead and definately i can't be in any part of it.
You may counter that i am perhaps thinking too much. Am i?
Why then did Zax do what he did to me? I loved him so much, and i practically gave him all i could and possessed. He still could find the heart to stab me in my soul. If he could do this to me, what is stopping the rest from doing the same? Can i take another blow like this? No, i know i can't.
I'm scared. I'm tired and i'm really hurtting.
I'm scared i have someone else i love deeply leaving me. Of loseing that person for good. And with no reason.
I fear that i would not be respected, I fear i would be laughed at, I fear my juniors will point their fingers at me and laugh. I fear i am not good enough, not worth nor fit to be an elder brother to anyone. How can i claim to be anyone's mentor when i am nothing but a freak of nature myself? One that goes against nature and loves the wrong things and persons as the world has deemed it?
Zax said as much. He told me in my face. I'm a freak of nature, one that he will never accept, one that he will always hate and despise with his every breath.
I'm so tired of looking over my shoulder. Waiting for something to happen.
I'm hurting so much i cannot function.
Maybe i should just put an end to this. At the state i am now, am i still of any good to anybody?
They should have never known me in the first place. They would have been better off not knowing about me. Maybe that's what i did wrong in the first place.
I decided to love.
EarlGrey
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