Small Steps
Sunday 17th DEC 06 12:40am
Today was a full day for me. In the morning, i went down for my Aikido Grading at HQ. It was a full 2 hours of falling, slamming, turning and what nots. I survived the session and now, time will tell if i make the grade to the next level in training. My Black Belt.
But that's not the reason why i am posting this post. Today, after a long long time, i met up with my Mentor. Yes. I have a mentor. He was the one who made me what i am today. My principles in life and the way i do things. I was so lost these few days due to the stuff that happened to me recently. I went to him, and was totally expecting him to lambast me for taking him for granted and only coming to him when i am in trouble.
But no. He was still the same caring man i knew years before, when he caught me shoplifting in his shop. Yes, i was a bad boy then. But i was only 12. How could i have known the consequences of my actions? But he took me under his wing. He showed me, through putting me to work in his shop and his own actions lessons in life that i am forever grateful for. Of course he knows my orientation. He saw through me the first time he laid eyes on me. And NO, he's NOT like me. He's happily married with 3 kids thank you very much.
I told him my problem and the situation i am in. He told me to sit down and face him and start talking. And i got the answers i was seeking, no matter how much i did not want to confront it and accept it.
Yes, i loved the boy dearly, even much so then my life. But i am so much older then him. He has his own life to lead and a world for him to understand. I loved him too much that i broke him, scared him into running away. Everything in life happens for a reason. When a person holds a puppy in his arms, the puppy feels warm and loved, it feels protected and wanted. But you hug too tightly and don't let go, the puppy begins to feel constricted and may even die by the very hands that once offered it warmth and protection. This is what i have done. I loved too much and too fast. I became possessive and would always want his company. So much so that i would be dissapointed if he ever rejected me. My mentor told me this straight in my face. I did not expect him to say this, but i knew, deep down in my heart, he was right. I wanted to love so much that i became my own undoing. I have given the boy all i can give, and taught him all i could.
I also lied to myself. I lied that i had removed him from my contact list and MSN. I merely blocked him. I did not want to lose this friendship just like that. I could not. My mentor told me not to cheat myself. In my heart, i am never angry at him and i most definately do not want to lose him. I was reacting out of anger and fustration. My mentor then told me to tell him, what i truely feel about him in my heart. And the people i care about so much in my life. I love him like my own little brother. A brother i never had. Can i really just forget him and turn my back on him? No. I can never do that. Do i trust him? Yes. Will i be there for him if he ever chooses to rekindle the friendship? Yes.
Then i already have my answer. Sometimes loving a person is not about having that person by your side. It's about seeing the person happy and moving on with his/her life. People come and go. Friends come and go. It's a natural order of life. He has his own reasons for leaving just like that. I have to trust that. There will always be hope in my heart that maybe one day, he will begin to talk to me again.
Small Steps, that's what my mentor said. Now, all i have is to trust that he has his own reasons for doing what he did. Give him time to think. To consider if the friendship is worth to keep. I have already tired all i could to repair it. I cannot punish myself anymore.
My mentor then asked me about the rest of the people in my life that are important to me. To say it out to him. Share, he said. Sigh, sometimes i dunno if he's my teacher or just a kaypo uncle. LOL
A few names came to my mind.
Allan, my brother. I "lost" him once, when he was into the church stuff and was told to keep away from gay people like me. It was more or less the same thing that happened now. No contact, blocked in MSN etc etc. Then i never did give up on him also. He must have his own reasons, i told myself. Either he got a GF or some other problems he cannot tell me. He can only hope i understand him enough to trust him. And now, he's back with me. I can say with even stronger ties now.
Isaac, my junior in Aikido. I admited to my mentor that i took a fancy to him once. And i did tell him about it. He just told me he is not like me. And that was that. At least i was truthful to him. Whether or not he respects me is another matter all together. I just love him as my own brother now. Our friendship is just relatively ok now, in my view. I never dared wish that he will treat me like his own brother. He told me he did, i never dared to believe it. Maybe it's because i have been hurt too much in the past to trust such promises again.
Jon, another junior in aikido. He reminded me of my younger self, when i was searching for love and understanding from people around me. Never daring to take risks. I know in my heart he just takes me for granted. But i won't walk away. I won't give up just like that, like my mentor has not given up hope on me when i gave him hell and treated him insensitivly in the past. In every relationship, be it friends or otherwise, there has got to be paitience and give and take. Dosen't matter if he dosen't appriciate, at least i know i did my part.
I admit. I was pretty pissed when the 3 of them met up on saturday and i ended up waiting the whole day for that phone call that never came. But then sometimes they need their own space to move. I cannot be with them 24/7, i need to learn to let go. I am happy that they had enjoyed themselves.
The ironic thing is that the boy i love once called me his Mentor. This word is very strong and important to me. It's not easy for someone to call you his/her mentor. It's a big responsibility. Now, i totally understand how my own mentor felt when i also left for my own life without saying goodbye. Of course, i did not cut off contact with my mentor. I was just caught up with my own things to contact him.
At the end of the day, my mentor told me that yes, i am hurting. I will always do. But then the pain will go away with time. I just have to see it through, like my own mentor has.
Thank you mentor, for teaching me never to treat people badly, to treat people with a sincere heart, to never use foul language and always be truthful to myself and those that are important to me.
There are things that i can never say to the people i care about. I just hope that they will somehow know that i will be there for them, no matter what comes.
This, i promise.
EarlGrey
Today was a full day for me. In the morning, i went down for my Aikido Grading at HQ. It was a full 2 hours of falling, slamming, turning and what nots. I survived the session and now, time will tell if i make the grade to the next level in training. My Black Belt.
But that's not the reason why i am posting this post. Today, after a long long time, i met up with my Mentor. Yes. I have a mentor. He was the one who made me what i am today. My principles in life and the way i do things. I was so lost these few days due to the stuff that happened to me recently. I went to him, and was totally expecting him to lambast me for taking him for granted and only coming to him when i am in trouble.
But no. He was still the same caring man i knew years before, when he caught me shoplifting in his shop. Yes, i was a bad boy then. But i was only 12. How could i have known the consequences of my actions? But he took me under his wing. He showed me, through putting me to work in his shop and his own actions lessons in life that i am forever grateful for. Of course he knows my orientation. He saw through me the first time he laid eyes on me. And NO, he's NOT like me. He's happily married with 3 kids thank you very much.
I told him my problem and the situation i am in. He told me to sit down and face him and start talking. And i got the answers i was seeking, no matter how much i did not want to confront it and accept it.
Yes, i loved the boy dearly, even much so then my life. But i am so much older then him. He has his own life to lead and a world for him to understand. I loved him too much that i broke him, scared him into running away. Everything in life happens for a reason. When a person holds a puppy in his arms, the puppy feels warm and loved, it feels protected and wanted. But you hug too tightly and don't let go, the puppy begins to feel constricted and may even die by the very hands that once offered it warmth and protection. This is what i have done. I loved too much and too fast. I became possessive and would always want his company. So much so that i would be dissapointed if he ever rejected me. My mentor told me this straight in my face. I did not expect him to say this, but i knew, deep down in my heart, he was right. I wanted to love so much that i became my own undoing. I have given the boy all i can give, and taught him all i could.
I also lied to myself. I lied that i had removed him from my contact list and MSN. I merely blocked him. I did not want to lose this friendship just like that. I could not. My mentor told me not to cheat myself. In my heart, i am never angry at him and i most definately do not want to lose him. I was reacting out of anger and fustration. My mentor then told me to tell him, what i truely feel about him in my heart. And the people i care about so much in my life. I love him like my own little brother. A brother i never had. Can i really just forget him and turn my back on him? No. I can never do that. Do i trust him? Yes. Will i be there for him if he ever chooses to rekindle the friendship? Yes.
Then i already have my answer. Sometimes loving a person is not about having that person by your side. It's about seeing the person happy and moving on with his/her life. People come and go. Friends come and go. It's a natural order of life. He has his own reasons for leaving just like that. I have to trust that. There will always be hope in my heart that maybe one day, he will begin to talk to me again.
Small Steps, that's what my mentor said. Now, all i have is to trust that he has his own reasons for doing what he did. Give him time to think. To consider if the friendship is worth to keep. I have already tired all i could to repair it. I cannot punish myself anymore.
My mentor then asked me about the rest of the people in my life that are important to me. To say it out to him. Share, he said. Sigh, sometimes i dunno if he's my teacher or just a kaypo uncle. LOL
A few names came to my mind.
Allan, my brother. I "lost" him once, when he was into the church stuff and was told to keep away from gay people like me. It was more or less the same thing that happened now. No contact, blocked in MSN etc etc. Then i never did give up on him also. He must have his own reasons, i told myself. Either he got a GF or some other problems he cannot tell me. He can only hope i understand him enough to trust him. And now, he's back with me. I can say with even stronger ties now.
Isaac, my junior in Aikido. I admited to my mentor that i took a fancy to him once. And i did tell him about it. He just told me he is not like me. And that was that. At least i was truthful to him. Whether or not he respects me is another matter all together. I just love him as my own brother now. Our friendship is just relatively ok now, in my view. I never dared wish that he will treat me like his own brother. He told me he did, i never dared to believe it. Maybe it's because i have been hurt too much in the past to trust such promises again.
Jon, another junior in aikido. He reminded me of my younger self, when i was searching for love and understanding from people around me. Never daring to take risks. I know in my heart he just takes me for granted. But i won't walk away. I won't give up just like that, like my mentor has not given up hope on me when i gave him hell and treated him insensitivly in the past. In every relationship, be it friends or otherwise, there has got to be paitience and give and take. Dosen't matter if he dosen't appriciate, at least i know i did my part.
I admit. I was pretty pissed when the 3 of them met up on saturday and i ended up waiting the whole day for that phone call that never came. But then sometimes they need their own space to move. I cannot be with them 24/7, i need to learn to let go. I am happy that they had enjoyed themselves.
The ironic thing is that the boy i love once called me his Mentor. This word is very strong and important to me. It's not easy for someone to call you his/her mentor. It's a big responsibility. Now, i totally understand how my own mentor felt when i also left for my own life without saying goodbye. Of course, i did not cut off contact with my mentor. I was just caught up with my own things to contact him.
At the end of the day, my mentor told me that yes, i am hurting. I will always do. But then the pain will go away with time. I just have to see it through, like my own mentor has.
Thank you mentor, for teaching me never to treat people badly, to treat people with a sincere heart, to never use foul language and always be truthful to myself and those that are important to me.
There are things that i can never say to the people i care about. I just hope that they will somehow know that i will be there for them, no matter what comes.
This, i promise.
EarlGrey
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