Happy New Year?
Thursday 28th DEC 06 11:11pm
He turned up for training today. I didn't think he would, but he did. Honestly, i was contented. I wasn't happy, but contented that at least, he did not give up training altogether just to avoid me. I told him on MSN that no matter what happened between us, it's something that's outside of the Dojo. He did not reply of course, but at least, i believe he got my message.
I realised that i'm actually not as strong as i hoped i would be. It's very difficult to put up a strong front when the very person who caused you so much pain in just right infront of you, treating you like a total stranger. I wanted so much to just walk out of the dojo right then, after my children's class. If only to minimise the awkwardness that might come after training, when we all head out for supper. But i could not. I told myself i needed to see this thing through. If i don't, ill never be able to move on.
I knew also that the message to me is that i just don't fit into their circle anymore. Maybe my expectations are too high, or maybe it's just that our age difference is too great. As expected, we ended up not even walking back home together anymore, me, Isaac and Jon. When the three of them are together, there is no more allowance for me to be around anymore. They have become close friends and i am truely happy for them. One should know when to back down and give the space that need not be spoken for.
Maybe i should not hold these ties too close anymore. The planned poker sessions we talked about many months back seem to be just a memory now. I realised that to them, i have just been a mere convinence, someone to talk to when there is no one left. I should distance myself from them i suppose. If even the person who once called me his mentor, and my Deshi can turn his back on me like that, what's to stop the others from doing so in future? All because of the fact that i am gay. Life is not fair i guess. Learn from my mistakes in life. Don't walk the path i take. It's so much easier to live by.
But i take this as a positive thing. At least, now i can relate to people we are treated this way by others. I can understand how they might feel inside. I am also greatly humbled because i know that in my life, i HAVE treated people around me the same way before. It's always bad when you become the reciever of such insensitivities yet it never seems to bother people much when it happens to others.
I tried to call Isaac and Jon out for a movie before the new year. But i know what the outcome will be. I just have to accept facts. I love them all. I dun understand why people are so afraid of admitting they love another person. There are so many types of love out there. I suppose only the sexual type of love is accepted by the majority. That's really sad, isn't it?
The only way i know i can have the kind of kinship i want to have with those i truely care about is through writting. My novel is the place where i can be god. I can dictate the life that my character wants to lead, and the friends he has in his life. Yes, i know this is just fantasy, but we all need some way to release our sadness and dissapointment. I guess this is just my way.
One should always be greatful i believe. I can see them once a week, as opposed to none at all, that should be a consolation to me at the very least.
New Years will be another time i spend alone i guess. But i should already be used to it. Isaac has been good to me in his own way. He actually sent me a christmas greeting SMS. I guess i should be thankful for the little things in life.
How will you guys be celebrating the countdown to New Years? With friends? family?
If you are, consider yourself blessed. Really
Take it from someone who knows.
Happy New Year.
EarlGrey
He turned up for training today. I didn't think he would, but he did. Honestly, i was contented. I wasn't happy, but contented that at least, he did not give up training altogether just to avoid me. I told him on MSN that no matter what happened between us, it's something that's outside of the Dojo. He did not reply of course, but at least, i believe he got my message.
I realised that i'm actually not as strong as i hoped i would be. It's very difficult to put up a strong front when the very person who caused you so much pain in just right infront of you, treating you like a total stranger. I wanted so much to just walk out of the dojo right then, after my children's class. If only to minimise the awkwardness that might come after training, when we all head out for supper. But i could not. I told myself i needed to see this thing through. If i don't, ill never be able to move on.
I knew also that the message to me is that i just don't fit into their circle anymore. Maybe my expectations are too high, or maybe it's just that our age difference is too great. As expected, we ended up not even walking back home together anymore, me, Isaac and Jon. When the three of them are together, there is no more allowance for me to be around anymore. They have become close friends and i am truely happy for them. One should know when to back down and give the space that need not be spoken for.
Maybe i should not hold these ties too close anymore. The planned poker sessions we talked about many months back seem to be just a memory now. I realised that to them, i have just been a mere convinence, someone to talk to when there is no one left. I should distance myself from them i suppose. If even the person who once called me his mentor, and my Deshi can turn his back on me like that, what's to stop the others from doing so in future? All because of the fact that i am gay. Life is not fair i guess. Learn from my mistakes in life. Don't walk the path i take. It's so much easier to live by.
But i take this as a positive thing. At least, now i can relate to people we are treated this way by others. I can understand how they might feel inside. I am also greatly humbled because i know that in my life, i HAVE treated people around me the same way before. It's always bad when you become the reciever of such insensitivities yet it never seems to bother people much when it happens to others.
I tried to call Isaac and Jon out for a movie before the new year. But i know what the outcome will be. I just have to accept facts. I love them all. I dun understand why people are so afraid of admitting they love another person. There are so many types of love out there. I suppose only the sexual type of love is accepted by the majority. That's really sad, isn't it?
The only way i know i can have the kind of kinship i want to have with those i truely care about is through writting. My novel is the place where i can be god. I can dictate the life that my character wants to lead, and the friends he has in his life. Yes, i know this is just fantasy, but we all need some way to release our sadness and dissapointment. I guess this is just my way.
One should always be greatful i believe. I can see them once a week, as opposed to none at all, that should be a consolation to me at the very least.
New Years will be another time i spend alone i guess. But i should already be used to it. Isaac has been good to me in his own way. He actually sent me a christmas greeting SMS. I guess i should be thankful for the little things in life.
How will you guys be celebrating the countdown to New Years? With friends? family?
If you are, consider yourself blessed. Really
Take it from someone who knows.
Happy New Year.
EarlGrey
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