Departure/Arrival
Wednesday 18th Oct 06 04:20pm
It's been awhile. Much has happened these few weeks and i am now writting this entry in TianJin, China. For the sharp eyed, you might notice that there are some changes in my profile on the right. I am no longer in the old man's company.... AGAIN. I tried. really i did. It just didn't work out. The old man and me....... our characters are just too different from each other.... the mindsets are also in conflict. So that's the situation it is now.
I have since moved back to my Pasir Ris flat. And more recently, i have flown over to China to visit my dad and well, look for some business opportunity for me to do back home.
It's not easy to be so far away from home. Of it all, i really missed him.
Everyday i would think about him. How is he doing? What is he doing? Is he stressed about his coming O levels? Is he coping well? I long for his smile. His voice, his touch. I would recall the times we had together and the only time that we are alone together in my room at my house..... The fun, the laughter. It never fails to bring a small to my face. Then, the truth will hit me. And it will hit me hard.
He does NOT and WILL NEVER love me. Ever.
I was very high that night. He was almost drunk. In my tipsy state, i just went and asked him straight in his face.
"Do you know that i love you alot?"
"I know"
"Then....?"
"I'm straight"
That reply stabbed me in the heart like a hot metal shard. I was shattered. My vision blurred... (it's the alcohol in my system, please. i not so Emo Drama one ok... sheesh). I held his face with my hand (he was almost comatosed in his drunken state, by the way) Looking hard and fighting like mad against the urge to just french him for the sake of it. He is in worse shape then me. At least i still have cognitive control over my facuilties. He's almost dead. But then my brain did a double take. "He's drunk. He's told you he dosen't love you. It's only you and him alone in the room. He won't know what happened. You can do whatever you want. HE'S RIGHT HERE FOR YOU TO TAKE."
I can still remember the repulsion i felt growing inside me. This is so wrong. How can i actually think of raping him in his most vulnerable state when i have been declaring all these while that i love him? Then i realised that if i were a straight guy and he was actually a girl that i loved, i would most likely have the same thoughts also.
I am human. I have my Lusts and urges too. But i also know that i cannot lose his trust for me. He is so important to me. I cannot lose his friendship. I cannot do that which my emotions are telling me to do.
I was actually very hesitant to leave my homeland, more so my Aikido class. But it hurts too much to stay. Even the person i loved with all my heart have told me he cannot accpet my love for him. I wanted out.
I NEEDED out. If only to clear my mind.
He did not send me off at the airport. But he did send me an SMS at the last min. "Yi Lu Shun Feng".
I tired not to think about him during my flight to China. I tried not to think of him when i was alone in my hotel waiting for my transit flight to Tianjin. I tried not to think of him when i finally met my dad and came to his apartment. I failed.
But the thing is i don't think he will ever know how i feel towards him. Nor will he ever care.
I am preparing to go back to SG soon. I have gained some experience here in China and i have learnt that i am not yet prepared to settle down here. I have too much emotional baggage left in SG. i need to put that aside before i do anything else.
Maybe. Maybe things will change in the future.
EarlGrey
It's been awhile. Much has happened these few weeks and i am now writting this entry in TianJin, China. For the sharp eyed, you might notice that there are some changes in my profile on the right. I am no longer in the old man's company.... AGAIN. I tried. really i did. It just didn't work out. The old man and me....... our characters are just too different from each other.... the mindsets are also in conflict. So that's the situation it is now.
I have since moved back to my Pasir Ris flat. And more recently, i have flown over to China to visit my dad and well, look for some business opportunity for me to do back home.
It's not easy to be so far away from home. Of it all, i really missed him.
Everyday i would think about him. How is he doing? What is he doing? Is he stressed about his coming O levels? Is he coping well? I long for his smile. His voice, his touch. I would recall the times we had together and the only time that we are alone together in my room at my house..... The fun, the laughter. It never fails to bring a small to my face. Then, the truth will hit me. And it will hit me hard.
He does NOT and WILL NEVER love me. Ever.
I was very high that night. He was almost drunk. In my tipsy state, i just went and asked him straight in his face.
"Do you know that i love you alot?"
"I know"
"Then....?"
"I'm straight"
That reply stabbed me in the heart like a hot metal shard. I was shattered. My vision blurred... (it's the alcohol in my system, please. i not so Emo Drama one ok... sheesh). I held his face with my hand (he was almost comatosed in his drunken state, by the way) Looking hard and fighting like mad against the urge to just french him for the sake of it. He is in worse shape then me. At least i still have cognitive control over my facuilties. He's almost dead. But then my brain did a double take. "He's drunk. He's told you he dosen't love you. It's only you and him alone in the room. He won't know what happened. You can do whatever you want. HE'S RIGHT HERE FOR YOU TO TAKE."
I can still remember the repulsion i felt growing inside me. This is so wrong. How can i actually think of raping him in his most vulnerable state when i have been declaring all these while that i love him? Then i realised that if i were a straight guy and he was actually a girl that i loved, i would most likely have the same thoughts also.
I am human. I have my Lusts and urges too. But i also know that i cannot lose his trust for me. He is so important to me. I cannot lose his friendship. I cannot do that which my emotions are telling me to do.
I was actually very hesitant to leave my homeland, more so my Aikido class. But it hurts too much to stay. Even the person i loved with all my heart have told me he cannot accpet my love for him. I wanted out.
I NEEDED out. If only to clear my mind.
He did not send me off at the airport. But he did send me an SMS at the last min. "Yi Lu Shun Feng".
I tired not to think about him during my flight to China. I tried not to think of him when i was alone in my hotel waiting for my transit flight to Tianjin. I tried not to think of him when i finally met my dad and came to his apartment. I failed.
But the thing is i don't think he will ever know how i feel towards him. Nor will he ever care.
I am preparing to go back to SG soon. I have gained some experience here in China and i have learnt that i am not yet prepared to settle down here. I have too much emotional baggage left in SG. i need to put that aside before i do anything else.
Maybe. Maybe things will change in the future.
EarlGrey
1 Comments:
He's hurting you. Why then do you still continue to love him?
Alright, so you say your normal bla bla bla.
Just be friends. Love in friendship. He'll be fine with that.
How to clear your mind? Ask God for help.
Of course thing will change in the future and its a matter of time and bla bla bla... BUT the question here is WHEN WILL THAT TIME BE?
You have to do something about it. Do something that would change a mindset, not emotion.
They're two different things. Remember that.
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