Answers
Thursday 21st Sept 06 10:30am
It's been while since i last updated, so much so that even my friend Hisham msged me on MSN to enquire about my lack of entry. I told him i was lazy. That much is true to a certian extend. The other reason is that i really didn't know what to write. My mind was empty, to the point where i myself didn't even know what i am thinking or if i was thinking at all. Ever had that feeling happen to you?
But i know now what i should post. I should have posted this sooner, but i guess a part of me just didn't want to see the truth.
It's over between me and my BF.
It lasted 7 days. 7 days where we really connected and had a good time. Ironically, it was I, the person who wanted this relationship to happen so much, who has been seeking and whinning about NOT having a relationship for so many freaking years that ended it.
He is just a young boy. Much of his life's story has just begun. He likes me, alot. But a part of him is resisting the fact that he has feelings for me. It's wrong. It's not natural.
He's happy when he was out with me. We had fun. We went places together and really learnt alot about each other. But he just dosen't feel right about it. He asked me many times "Why do you like boys?". I can tell the question was not directed at me Per se. Rather, he was thinking out loud, about his own "abnormality".
He was trying so hard to accept me and my love for him. That pains me. One cannot force or demand for love. In a relationship, it really takes 2 to make the whole. A one sided relationship always ends in pain for one party. How can i, claiming that i truely love him, make him go through such mental and emotional torture just so that i myself can get my own gratification?
At the end of the day, He showed me he loved me. And i know that for a fact. You may ask, how can i say that my BF loves me when he cannot even accept me or my love for him? Simple.
He was willing to TRY.
That point was what really touched me in the first place about him. He was willing, in spite of his own insecurities, to TRY and make this relationship work. How much more can a person ask for?
But one should also know when to let go. I had 7 days with him. Days where i felt truely free and happy. Is that enough for me? Honestly, Of course not. Who dosen't want the good things in life to last? But what is more important to me is HIS happiness. NOT mine.
One day he will find the girl of his dreams and have his OWN gratification. And that, to me, is enough.
In all these 7 days, all we had were talks and laughter. It was not a relationship based on sex or intimacy. We didn't even hold hands for petes sake. And THIS statement is to shut all you dirty minded self righteous STRAIGHT idiots who thinks that people who have gay relationships have to get their asses poked by one another.
No one forced you to read my blog. If you are straight, i never once forced you to turn the other way. I respect your orientation, you jolly well respect mine. If not, then don't come and read my blog. SIMPLE?
One of my Juniors also relayed his story to me one day when we were sharing some buns and green tea with poka biscuits the other night. He asked me for advice with his relationship problems. Based on his story, i advised him to let go. But he just couldn't. He loves his GF alot i can tell..... and he ALWAYS finds himself getting hurt in the end. Still holding on. But it is HIS choice. Sometimes people need to find their answers in their own time. No one can help them.
I just hope his answer will come to him sooner, rather then later. Just knkow this, you know who you are, i'll ALWAYS be here for you should you need me. I know you will never accept my love, but that dosen't mean i can't still love you back. Don't get yourself hurt further ok? If it's too painful, Let go. Don't hold on till you kill yourself emotionally. Trust me. I know.
Isaac asked me WHY i choose to like a boy when i could jolly well get a girl and settle down. He simply REFUSES to believe that i can be gay in ANY aspect.
Then the question i want to ask you Isaac is, "Why can you only love girls and not boys?" How does one answer this kind of question? We all do what you feel is comfortable to us. There are people who gets married, having the facade of being a good family man and then goes out there and sodomise little boys or girls as young as 9 or 10 years old. Are they doing something right then? You ask them why? There are people who even change their gender to the other just because they feel uncomfortable in their current bodies, you ask them why?
Are there ever any straight answers?
Guess we will never know.
I'm not perfect.
But that dosen't mean i can't try to be good enough.
EarlGrey
It's been while since i last updated, so much so that even my friend Hisham msged me on MSN to enquire about my lack of entry. I told him i was lazy. That much is true to a certian extend. The other reason is that i really didn't know what to write. My mind was empty, to the point where i myself didn't even know what i am thinking or if i was thinking at all. Ever had that feeling happen to you?
But i know now what i should post. I should have posted this sooner, but i guess a part of me just didn't want to see the truth.
It's over between me and my BF.
It lasted 7 days. 7 days where we really connected and had a good time. Ironically, it was I, the person who wanted this relationship to happen so much, who has been seeking and whinning about NOT having a relationship for so many freaking years that ended it.
He is just a young boy. Much of his life's story has just begun. He likes me, alot. But a part of him is resisting the fact that he has feelings for me. It's wrong. It's not natural.
He's happy when he was out with me. We had fun. We went places together and really learnt alot about each other. But he just dosen't feel right about it. He asked me many times "Why do you like boys?". I can tell the question was not directed at me Per se. Rather, he was thinking out loud, about his own "abnormality".
He was trying so hard to accept me and my love for him. That pains me. One cannot force or demand for love. In a relationship, it really takes 2 to make the whole. A one sided relationship always ends in pain for one party. How can i, claiming that i truely love him, make him go through such mental and emotional torture just so that i myself can get my own gratification?
At the end of the day, He showed me he loved me. And i know that for a fact. You may ask, how can i say that my BF loves me when he cannot even accept me or my love for him? Simple.
He was willing to TRY.
That point was what really touched me in the first place about him. He was willing, in spite of his own insecurities, to TRY and make this relationship work. How much more can a person ask for?
But one should also know when to let go. I had 7 days with him. Days where i felt truely free and happy. Is that enough for me? Honestly, Of course not. Who dosen't want the good things in life to last? But what is more important to me is HIS happiness. NOT mine.
One day he will find the girl of his dreams and have his OWN gratification. And that, to me, is enough.
In all these 7 days, all we had were talks and laughter. It was not a relationship based on sex or intimacy. We didn't even hold hands for petes sake. And THIS statement is to shut all you dirty minded self righteous STRAIGHT idiots who thinks that people who have gay relationships have to get their asses poked by one another.
No one forced you to read my blog. If you are straight, i never once forced you to turn the other way. I respect your orientation, you jolly well respect mine. If not, then don't come and read my blog. SIMPLE?
One of my Juniors also relayed his story to me one day when we were sharing some buns and green tea with poka biscuits the other night. He asked me for advice with his relationship problems. Based on his story, i advised him to let go. But he just couldn't. He loves his GF alot i can tell..... and he ALWAYS finds himself getting hurt in the end. Still holding on. But it is HIS choice. Sometimes people need to find their answers in their own time. No one can help them.
I just hope his answer will come to him sooner, rather then later. Just knkow this, you know who you are, i'll ALWAYS be here for you should you need me. I know you will never accept my love, but that dosen't mean i can't still love you back. Don't get yourself hurt further ok? If it's too painful, Let go. Don't hold on till you kill yourself emotionally. Trust me. I know.
Isaac asked me WHY i choose to like a boy when i could jolly well get a girl and settle down. He simply REFUSES to believe that i can be gay in ANY aspect.
Then the question i want to ask you Isaac is, "Why can you only love girls and not boys?" How does one answer this kind of question? We all do what you feel is comfortable to us. There are people who gets married, having the facade of being a good family man and then goes out there and sodomise little boys or girls as young as 9 or 10 years old. Are they doing something right then? You ask them why? There are people who even change their gender to the other just because they feel uncomfortable in their current bodies, you ask them why?
Are there ever any straight answers?
Guess we will never know.
I'm not perfect.
But that dosen't mean i can't try to be good enough.
EarlGrey
1 Comments:
cheerups. every dog will have its day. you never know wat life will ever have in store for you.
marriages are made in heaven
but heaven was meant to mock us
i guess its sometimes better to be lovedd than be not loved at all. "we humans live our whole lives but have not lived even a butterfly's day" - sex and philosophy. the best thing we can do is make best of the time we have to be happy. and not to be unhappy over past events. cheer up. ur friends will always be here for you (if you wan em to be)
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