To let go or to hold on?
Tuesday 25th Sept 07 10:40am
Have you ever had someone in your life that means alot to you, someone whom you would give even your life to protect, if it ever came to it? Or has someone given that kind of love to you?
My friends told me i was stupid. Why waste my time, effort and money on people who will just take me for granted and then chuck me one side when they have gotten what they wanted from me? By all accounts, i should have realised it by now. There was Zax, Leslie, JiaQin, Jonathan, just to name a few. I have always been dissapointed and hurt emotionally. Why do i still stubbornly carry on? Have i not learnt my lesson?
I gave all that i could. Money, time, effort. Did they appreciate? were they truthful? were they sincere? When my best friend shot me this question in my face, i was angry. I was hurt. Not so much cause he could pointedly ask me the question.
But more so because i knew, in my heart, that he was right.
Yes. I do not deny that i had been dissapointed. Dissapointed by Zax, Leslie, JiaQin, Isaac, Jon, Alan and so much more people that have been in my life.
Dissapointed by that fact that maybe i was nothing but a convinence to them. Someone who is there to help them with money problems, give them handphones and or laptops. Someone whom they can freeload on. But then again, i supposed i asked for it. I chose to care for them, i chose to help them and i chose to love them. When they bite me in the hand, i can't blame anyone but myself for getting MYSELF into this mess in the first place.
But why do i hold on? Why do i continue to bring myself this problems? Why not just stop this and get it over with?
Because i have choosen to love them. And as hard as it may be, i have to accept them for who they are and not what i want them to be. So they take me as a sucker, someone they can freeload on. That is just part of what being in a relationship is about. We have to remember that no one is perfect. As much as no parent can choose the child born to them, i cannot chose the people that have been brought to my life by fate.
I wished that someone would be there for me as i have them. A person who will give me money to spend, bring me out on trips for free, free meals, handphones, laptops. I want it.
As it is, people tend to take things for granted. Promises made but not kept. They will "borrow" money from you, make puppy eyes and give sob stories, promising to return the cash at this time, but which never materialise. Then you realise that they would rather spend on a jersy, new shoes and on their girlfriends. All these while knowing that they owe you something but pretend that nothing has happened.
I have seen for myself how people like Isaac can turn their attitudes on me just because of a girl he likes. How Jon can lie to me time and again just for his own wants and convinence. How Alan can hound me for money time and time again without care for my own feelings.
I am expected NOT to break my promises. They failed to realised this have to work both ways.
They have a way to return the favours done to them. With Dissapointments, insults, and a heck care attitude.
I can't help but wonder, are they sincere? do i even have a place in their heart? would they just turn their backs on me and walk away, after they have already milked me for what i am worth?
Yes. I AM angry. I AM dissapointed. But anger and dissapointment only means something if the person actually gives a damn. They don't. I end up being angry and dissapointed at the air around me. Cause it just bounces off them.
I ask myself why they would do this to me.
The answer, i realise, is actually quite simple.
My age. I am so much older then them that they could not connect with me.
The fact that i am gay also pulls them away. Like it or not, there is already a barrier between us that is unsaid and unfelt. But we all know that it's there.
Would they ever think of me, just casually? Call me out for a drink? invite me to go shopping? a meal? a fishing trip?
I guess we all know the answer to that.
I prayed for them at the temple the other day. That they would find their own happiness in time to come. That they be safe and good things will come to them.
I am hanging on a cliff.
Do i hang on, and wait for someone to come make all my love worthwhile or just let go and drop, at least when i hit bottom, i won't feel pain anymore?
Isaac, Jon, Alan, JQ, Leslie. I am tired. I am hurting like mad.
Do you guys know?
Do you guys care?
I guess if you did, then i won't be in this state now. Would i?
Take care of yourselves.
I'm not good enough for you
EarlGrey
Have you ever had someone in your life that means alot to you, someone whom you would give even your life to protect, if it ever came to it? Or has someone given that kind of love to you?
My friends told me i was stupid. Why waste my time, effort and money on people who will just take me for granted and then chuck me one side when they have gotten what they wanted from me? By all accounts, i should have realised it by now. There was Zax, Leslie, JiaQin, Jonathan, just to name a few. I have always been dissapointed and hurt emotionally. Why do i still stubbornly carry on? Have i not learnt my lesson?
I gave all that i could. Money, time, effort. Did they appreciate? were they truthful? were they sincere? When my best friend shot me this question in my face, i was angry. I was hurt. Not so much cause he could pointedly ask me the question.
But more so because i knew, in my heart, that he was right.
Yes. I do not deny that i had been dissapointed. Dissapointed by Zax, Leslie, JiaQin, Isaac, Jon, Alan and so much more people that have been in my life.
Dissapointed by that fact that maybe i was nothing but a convinence to them. Someone who is there to help them with money problems, give them handphones and or laptops. Someone whom they can freeload on. But then again, i supposed i asked for it. I chose to care for them, i chose to help them and i chose to love them. When they bite me in the hand, i can't blame anyone but myself for getting MYSELF into this mess in the first place.
But why do i hold on? Why do i continue to bring myself this problems? Why not just stop this and get it over with?
Because i have choosen to love them. And as hard as it may be, i have to accept them for who they are and not what i want them to be. So they take me as a sucker, someone they can freeload on. That is just part of what being in a relationship is about. We have to remember that no one is perfect. As much as no parent can choose the child born to them, i cannot chose the people that have been brought to my life by fate.
I wished that someone would be there for me as i have them. A person who will give me money to spend, bring me out on trips for free, free meals, handphones, laptops. I want it.
As it is, people tend to take things for granted. Promises made but not kept. They will "borrow" money from you, make puppy eyes and give sob stories, promising to return the cash at this time, but which never materialise. Then you realise that they would rather spend on a jersy, new shoes and on their girlfriends. All these while knowing that they owe you something but pretend that nothing has happened.
I have seen for myself how people like Isaac can turn their attitudes on me just because of a girl he likes. How Jon can lie to me time and again just for his own wants and convinence. How Alan can hound me for money time and time again without care for my own feelings.
I am expected NOT to break my promises. They failed to realised this have to work both ways.
They have a way to return the favours done to them. With Dissapointments, insults, and a heck care attitude.
I can't help but wonder, are they sincere? do i even have a place in their heart? would they just turn their backs on me and walk away, after they have already milked me for what i am worth?
Yes. I AM angry. I AM dissapointed. But anger and dissapointment only means something if the person actually gives a damn. They don't. I end up being angry and dissapointed at the air around me. Cause it just bounces off them.
I ask myself why they would do this to me.
The answer, i realise, is actually quite simple.
My age. I am so much older then them that they could not connect with me.
The fact that i am gay also pulls them away. Like it or not, there is already a barrier between us that is unsaid and unfelt. But we all know that it's there.
Would they ever think of me, just casually? Call me out for a drink? invite me to go shopping? a meal? a fishing trip?
I guess we all know the answer to that.
I prayed for them at the temple the other day. That they would find their own happiness in time to come. That they be safe and good things will come to them.
I am hanging on a cliff.
Do i hang on, and wait for someone to come make all my love worthwhile or just let go and drop, at least when i hit bottom, i won't feel pain anymore?
Isaac, Jon, Alan, JQ, Leslie. I am tired. I am hurting like mad.
Do you guys know?
Do you guys care?
I guess if you did, then i won't be in this state now. Would i?
Take care of yourselves.
I'm not good enough for you
EarlGrey
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