What it takes
Wednesday 29th AUG 07 10:44PM
I guess i was asking for it. I knew that somehow the relationship would not work yet i went ahead and jumped into it anyway. It lasted all but 2 days. He was feeling very weird, he told me. He just could not accept my love and what i have been doing for him.
It ended badly. Now, we aren't even friends. I admit. In the most part, i caused it to happen this way. Why? Cause maybe i am too tired to always be the good guy anymore. Besides, he made no effort to salvage the friendship too. I still do love him, i told him. He was supposed to apologise to me, but at the end, he told me frankly that did not apologise to me bacuse of what HE DID. Rather, just so that he will not feel left out when i am with his friends, which i know too. The kids come to my place for games frequently and he dosen't want to be left out.
I told him, once he decides to apologise to me sincerely, we can always be friends back. Not before.
You people might think that i am unreasonable. Think what you want. He cheated my feelings for him and this is something that i hold very highly. You are entitled to your own views. But to me, I cannot look at him and pretend as if nothing has happened, which is what he selfishly wanted.
If you want to apologise to someone, do you still need to think about your OWN gains? Is that "apology" worth then?
It might be for the best. At least, he has one less gay person in his life to contend with.
What, really does one look for in a relationship? That really is the crux of the issue isn't it? What DOES a person want? Some people are attracted to the partner's character, some are for looks, some, even for the wealth. Of course, in most straight cases, they are after the hand holding, the hugging and the kissing.
Come on. BE HONEST. What's a relationship without intimacy? Having said this however, i'm discounting the outright horny people who are just out to have a good shag. I tell you, these people are just in love with their genitals, not the other party.
What do I want? I suppose i am just looking for the special someone who would just be there for me, and i, him. Someone whom i can share my secrets with. Someone to talk to, to enjoy life's moments with. Someone who will be there, when the whole world seems to be crashing down on me. My pillar of strength.
I guess that's really too much to ask. More so when the one i am looking for is supposed to be the same gender as me.
Living alone can sometimes be very demanding on the mental self. I mean, facing the same walls everyday and night. No one to talk to? Only the TV and maybe some PC Games? I carry on like this... i might very well go mad.
Then we talk about expectations. What do you expect from a relationship? Someone to love you back? someone who thinks of your feelings and needs? or someone who will just shut up, open the legs and let you shag till the cow comes home?
All i need from a relationship is truth and mutual care. If i can place someone to the top of my list in a relationship, i would expect SOME form of gratitude back right? Is that unfair?
I have given my sincere heart to Isaac, Zax and JiaQing.
Zax stabbed me at the front blatantly. Isaac, well, he has his own love now. As for JiaQing, He also has his GF. Sometimes, i feel so guilty that i smsed him or even asked him out. It's like i'm trying to pull him away from spending quality time with his beloved. Of course, the truth is, he never really gives a damn about me in the first place. How do i know? it's easy to tell with small actions here and there.
I am sure most of you are smart enough to see and feel for yourself if a person really treats you sincerely and places you as someone in their hearts right?
Isaac told me that i will find someone soon enough. That i will get over the issue with the "2 days bf". He refuses to believe that i have given up. Honestly i DID ask myself if i would, indeed give up totally.
I'm not sure. But i do KNOW that right NOW, i'm just too tired to hang on. I may find back my faith again. But not anytime soon.
My phone bill came and it was a staggering amount. Mostly on SMS sending. I realised that i have always been sending SMSes to people, with low chance of them sending me back. Hence, it's like i'm always penalised. Maybe i should cut down on SMSing people completely, only doing so when situation calls for it.
I went to the temple to pray. AGAIN. I was so lost. I guess the chinese part of me just brought me to the temple.
JQ will NEVER know or accept my love for him. Neither will the rest of those whom i have feelings for. In fact, it seems that he really has no clue or just dont care. He smsed me to lend him my laptop cause he wants to play his MapleStory. I was "Kor" when that sms came. Subsequently i reverted back to "James" when i sort of "agreed" to lend it to him. Are teenagers all like this? They only come to you when they need YOUR help? When you need them around, they are always full of excuses? Looks that way to me.
But hey... at least i know that i have done MY part.
This is the main reason why i am so emo. I guess i have always been giving and giving that i have run out of goodwill.
Maybe i should go find a sugar daddy or some "kor" who will take care of me also.
Sheesh, god KNOWs i need some caring and love back as well too.
EarlGrey
I guess i was asking for it. I knew that somehow the relationship would not work yet i went ahead and jumped into it anyway. It lasted all but 2 days. He was feeling very weird, he told me. He just could not accept my love and what i have been doing for him.
It ended badly. Now, we aren't even friends. I admit. In the most part, i caused it to happen this way. Why? Cause maybe i am too tired to always be the good guy anymore. Besides, he made no effort to salvage the friendship too. I still do love him, i told him. He was supposed to apologise to me, but at the end, he told me frankly that did not apologise to me bacuse of what HE DID. Rather, just so that he will not feel left out when i am with his friends, which i know too. The kids come to my place for games frequently and he dosen't want to be left out.
I told him, once he decides to apologise to me sincerely, we can always be friends back. Not before.
You people might think that i am unreasonable. Think what you want. He cheated my feelings for him and this is something that i hold very highly. You are entitled to your own views. But to me, I cannot look at him and pretend as if nothing has happened, which is what he selfishly wanted.
If you want to apologise to someone, do you still need to think about your OWN gains? Is that "apology" worth then?
It might be for the best. At least, he has one less gay person in his life to contend with.
What, really does one look for in a relationship? That really is the crux of the issue isn't it? What DOES a person want? Some people are attracted to the partner's character, some are for looks, some, even for the wealth. Of course, in most straight cases, they are after the hand holding, the hugging and the kissing.
Come on. BE HONEST. What's a relationship without intimacy? Having said this however, i'm discounting the outright horny people who are just out to have a good shag. I tell you, these people are just in love with their genitals, not the other party.
What do I want? I suppose i am just looking for the special someone who would just be there for me, and i, him. Someone whom i can share my secrets with. Someone to talk to, to enjoy life's moments with. Someone who will be there, when the whole world seems to be crashing down on me. My pillar of strength.
I guess that's really too much to ask. More so when the one i am looking for is supposed to be the same gender as me.
Living alone can sometimes be very demanding on the mental self. I mean, facing the same walls everyday and night. No one to talk to? Only the TV and maybe some PC Games? I carry on like this... i might very well go mad.
Then we talk about expectations. What do you expect from a relationship? Someone to love you back? someone who thinks of your feelings and needs? or someone who will just shut up, open the legs and let you shag till the cow comes home?
All i need from a relationship is truth and mutual care. If i can place someone to the top of my list in a relationship, i would expect SOME form of gratitude back right? Is that unfair?
I have given my sincere heart to Isaac, Zax and JiaQing.
Zax stabbed me at the front blatantly. Isaac, well, he has his own love now. As for JiaQing, He also has his GF. Sometimes, i feel so guilty that i smsed him or even asked him out. It's like i'm trying to pull him away from spending quality time with his beloved. Of course, the truth is, he never really gives a damn about me in the first place. How do i know? it's easy to tell with small actions here and there.
I am sure most of you are smart enough to see and feel for yourself if a person really treats you sincerely and places you as someone in their hearts right?
Isaac told me that i will find someone soon enough. That i will get over the issue with the "2 days bf". He refuses to believe that i have given up. Honestly i DID ask myself if i would, indeed give up totally.
I'm not sure. But i do KNOW that right NOW, i'm just too tired to hang on. I may find back my faith again. But not anytime soon.
My phone bill came and it was a staggering amount. Mostly on SMS sending. I realised that i have always been sending SMSes to people, with low chance of them sending me back. Hence, it's like i'm always penalised. Maybe i should cut down on SMSing people completely, only doing so when situation calls for it.
I went to the temple to pray. AGAIN. I was so lost. I guess the chinese part of me just brought me to the temple.
JQ will NEVER know or accept my love for him. Neither will the rest of those whom i have feelings for. In fact, it seems that he really has no clue or just dont care. He smsed me to lend him my laptop cause he wants to play his MapleStory. I was "Kor" when that sms came. Subsequently i reverted back to "James" when i sort of "agreed" to lend it to him. Are teenagers all like this? They only come to you when they need YOUR help? When you need them around, they are always full of excuses? Looks that way to me.
But hey... at least i know that i have done MY part.
This is the main reason why i am so emo. I guess i have always been giving and giving that i have run out of goodwill.
Maybe i should go find a sugar daddy or some "kor" who will take care of me also.
Sheesh, god KNOWs i need some caring and love back as well too.
EarlGrey
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