I Finally Realise
Monday 10th Sept 07 09:55am
I have always believed that as long as you treat people with respect and sincerity, you will get it back in return. It was with great pain that i found out that all these while, i have been wrong with my belief. Things are not as simple as it seems.
When i was much younger, i had a much older friend who eventually became my mentor. He was extremely good to me. He would buy food for me, bring me out for arcades and movies. He would teach me all he knows, how to cook simple meals, little tibits of life that he has seen and learnt during his youth. I never had to pay a single cent when i was out with him. He treated me like his own son, he told me. He always tried to be there for me, no matter what time of day it was.
But i did not care. All i wanted was the free food at resturants, the movies, the arcades and just to be able to enjoy myself to the fullest. He lives alone and i had no idea what he does for a living. I even thought he must be some perved up fella just trying to sweeten me up to get his hands under my pants. Despite his best efforts, there were always somethings that i could find fault with him. I would be so pissed when he had to break his promise to bring me out in his car. Yet, at the same time, i thought nothing of doing a "no-show" when i felt like it, nevermind the fact that i have even promised him to turn up just hours before we were supposed to meet.
But he was never angry. Even if he was, he would always be the one who apologises first. I took everything for granted. To me, he was just a sucker whom i could leech on.
Until that day.
He had promised to bring me out on a cruise. I had told my folks that i was staying a few days at a friend's place, which is technically true. I had imagined the things i could do and explore. It was exciting for me cause i have never been on a cruise before. Then he told me he had to bail out on me. I was totally dissapointed and of course, being the young arrogant twerp that i am, i lashed out at him. "Don't make promises if you dun intend to keep them!" "Wahlao! why like that?". All he did was keep quiet and listen my continued whining. I don't really know why i got so fustrated that day. Then i turned and walked away, telling him i never want to see him ever again and to go and die.
It happened so fast. One moment i was walking on the pavement and the next, i was on the ground some distance away, hearing a banging sound. When i got back my bearings, i turned around to see that a trailer truck head had mounted a kerb and hit someone. It had hit the curb where just seconds ago, i was standing at. Then i saw the famillier shirt and pants. My mentor was laying there hurt like hell and bleeding from an ugly wound on his head.
I tried.... i tried to stop the bleeding and close the wound.... but the blood just kept flowing. Why? why did he have to come after me? Didn't i just told him to get lost? what was he trying to do? is he stupid? see big truck still don't move out of the way?
He spent the next few weeks fighting for his life. He had lost too much blood. Then i found out he was divorced and have been fighting for custody of his 2 children for almost 2 years. He was a doctor. And apparently a very rich one at that. The day he was supposed to bring me on the cruise coincided with the day of his court hearing. A hearing his must attend.
And i had to be the bloody kid who just wanted his cruise. The bloody kid who just thought of himself. He had already booked another date for the cruise. He wanted to tell me, but i never gave him a chance. Cause James lee has been denied his cruise, and that was an unforgivable crime. I was such a Jerk.
When he finally got out of his coma, i told him i was so sorry about what i have done to him. I asked for his forgiveness.
He told me he could not forgive me.
He cannot forgive somebody he was never angry at. I asked him why. Why did he treat me so good? Why did he allow me to treat him the way i did?
Because he had to accept me the way that i AM. Not the way that he wants me to be. He had already lost his two children, and still trying to fight for them. He dosen't want to lose another "son" whether it be real or not. Was he not hurt by what i have been doing for him?
Of course he was. He told me he cried silently in the car on many occasions. That it was sometimes so bad he actually wanted to end the relationship. But he told me that loving someone is not about having the person at all. It's about doing your best, and giving all that you can for the person. He forgave me bacause it was not his place to judge me. That what i have done to him, the karma will come back to me when the time is right. He gave me his forgiveness, even though i have never earned it nor deserved it. Because to him, i was his son.
He passed away 2 days later.
He put his life away, he will never be able to see his children grow up. He will never be able to heal other people with his skills ever again.
All because James Lee was angry that he did not get his cruise.
This is the Sin that i have brought on myself.
Back to the present, Leslie and JiaQing, i have them the best that i could. I admit, i am trying to emulate what my mentor has done for me, as a part of his memory and to "Pay-it-forward".
They lied straight in my face and never thought about MY feelings. What goes around, comes around. I now finally know the feeling of pain and hurt that my Mentor has felt so many years back.
I see the way that i once was in Leslie and JiaQin.
It was the hardest thing to do. And i know they will forever treat me this way.
But at the end of the day, i know what i have to do.
I forgive them.
EarlGrey
I have always believed that as long as you treat people with respect and sincerity, you will get it back in return. It was with great pain that i found out that all these while, i have been wrong with my belief. Things are not as simple as it seems.
When i was much younger, i had a much older friend who eventually became my mentor. He was extremely good to me. He would buy food for me, bring me out for arcades and movies. He would teach me all he knows, how to cook simple meals, little tibits of life that he has seen and learnt during his youth. I never had to pay a single cent when i was out with him. He treated me like his own son, he told me. He always tried to be there for me, no matter what time of day it was.
But i did not care. All i wanted was the free food at resturants, the movies, the arcades and just to be able to enjoy myself to the fullest. He lives alone and i had no idea what he does for a living. I even thought he must be some perved up fella just trying to sweeten me up to get his hands under my pants. Despite his best efforts, there were always somethings that i could find fault with him. I would be so pissed when he had to break his promise to bring me out in his car. Yet, at the same time, i thought nothing of doing a "no-show" when i felt like it, nevermind the fact that i have even promised him to turn up just hours before we were supposed to meet.
But he was never angry. Even if he was, he would always be the one who apologises first. I took everything for granted. To me, he was just a sucker whom i could leech on.
Until that day.
He had promised to bring me out on a cruise. I had told my folks that i was staying a few days at a friend's place, which is technically true. I had imagined the things i could do and explore. It was exciting for me cause i have never been on a cruise before. Then he told me he had to bail out on me. I was totally dissapointed and of course, being the young arrogant twerp that i am, i lashed out at him. "Don't make promises if you dun intend to keep them!" "Wahlao! why like that?". All he did was keep quiet and listen my continued whining. I don't really know why i got so fustrated that day. Then i turned and walked away, telling him i never want to see him ever again and to go and die.
It happened so fast. One moment i was walking on the pavement and the next, i was on the ground some distance away, hearing a banging sound. When i got back my bearings, i turned around to see that a trailer truck head had mounted a kerb and hit someone. It had hit the curb where just seconds ago, i was standing at. Then i saw the famillier shirt and pants. My mentor was laying there hurt like hell and bleeding from an ugly wound on his head.
I tried.... i tried to stop the bleeding and close the wound.... but the blood just kept flowing. Why? why did he have to come after me? Didn't i just told him to get lost? what was he trying to do? is he stupid? see big truck still don't move out of the way?
He spent the next few weeks fighting for his life. He had lost too much blood. Then i found out he was divorced and have been fighting for custody of his 2 children for almost 2 years. He was a doctor. And apparently a very rich one at that. The day he was supposed to bring me on the cruise coincided with the day of his court hearing. A hearing his must attend.
And i had to be the bloody kid who just wanted his cruise. The bloody kid who just thought of himself. He had already booked another date for the cruise. He wanted to tell me, but i never gave him a chance. Cause James lee has been denied his cruise, and that was an unforgivable crime. I was such a Jerk.
When he finally got out of his coma, i told him i was so sorry about what i have done to him. I asked for his forgiveness.
He told me he could not forgive me.
He cannot forgive somebody he was never angry at. I asked him why. Why did he treat me so good? Why did he allow me to treat him the way i did?
Because he had to accept me the way that i AM. Not the way that he wants me to be. He had already lost his two children, and still trying to fight for them. He dosen't want to lose another "son" whether it be real or not. Was he not hurt by what i have been doing for him?
Of course he was. He told me he cried silently in the car on many occasions. That it was sometimes so bad he actually wanted to end the relationship. But he told me that loving someone is not about having the person at all. It's about doing your best, and giving all that you can for the person. He forgave me bacause it was not his place to judge me. That what i have done to him, the karma will come back to me when the time is right. He gave me his forgiveness, even though i have never earned it nor deserved it. Because to him, i was his son.
He passed away 2 days later.
He put his life away, he will never be able to see his children grow up. He will never be able to heal other people with his skills ever again.
All because James Lee was angry that he did not get his cruise.
This is the Sin that i have brought on myself.
Back to the present, Leslie and JiaQing, i have them the best that i could. I admit, i am trying to emulate what my mentor has done for me, as a part of his memory and to "Pay-it-forward".
They lied straight in my face and never thought about MY feelings. What goes around, comes around. I now finally know the feeling of pain and hurt that my Mentor has felt so many years back.
I see the way that i once was in Leslie and JiaQin.
It was the hardest thing to do. And i know they will forever treat me this way.
But at the end of the day, i know what i have to do.
I forgive them.
EarlGrey
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