Come what may
Thursday 31st AUG 06 11:30am
Recently i lost a friend. We both sort of shared a special click with each other. Something that we both can freely talk and disscuss about. So it was quite a shock when i got news that he committed sucide. His life was just beginning. There was so much still left for him to discover and experience. Why? Why did he do it?
He was only 14. A young kid like him, what could we both possibly have in common?
You see, he may be 14, but he has a 24 year old boyfriend.
Yes. He is gay.
But the problem is, he hates himself for BEING gay. But he just could not stop himself from loving his boyfriend.
Faced with a conflict like this, how much can a young mind take before he/she breaks?
Apparently in his case, not much.
I know how he feels because i have been through what he has.
Not many of my friends know this.
But years before, i have attempted sucide myself. Not once, but 3 times. Like him, i hated myself for being what i am. A freak of nature. I asked myself, of all the people in this world, why did it have to be me? Why do i have to be the freak? My first tear i shed for a boy. A junior in my school. It was such a sudden, shocking realisation. I can still remember the replusion i had. The sudden jerk in my mind like one would when he/she was bitten by a snake. The withdrawal into myself.
I hated myself that much.
What would my friends think of me? Would i be laughed at? Made a mockery of? Jeered? What if my parents found out? My relatives?
During my time, there was no such thing as Handphones or the Internet. I felt all alone. There was no one i could talk to, no one i could turn to.
I became quiet, not talking much. Just immersing myself in my school work. Basically just a shell of myself.
As much as i hated myself, i still could not stop loving my junior. His smile, that way he talks, just, HIM.
I finally had enough. I went up to the top floor of a block of flats. I was so prepared to just jump and end it all. Then i looked down the railing. And i froze. It was so high. My vision blured and then my heart sized. I had to look away. It didn't take me long to realise i was shivering. My palms were sweating. I could not jump. It really looks painful.
There HAD to be another way to die.
I went to the roadside. The cars were whizzing by, Fast. Deadly. Right. This would be fast. Just a bang. And i'll be gone. All i have to do is step out on the road.
But what about the driver? because of me, the driver would be in trouble. His car would be damaged, He might even have his licence revoked.
Just because a bloody kid wanted to kill himself.
No, i wanted to kill myself, not drag total strangers into my own actions.
There MUST be other ways to do this. Someway less painful and noisey.
Then i had it. I'll overdose on sleeping pills.
I bought an entire box of sleeping pills and took the whole 24 pills at one time and downed it with coke. But you see, young kids like me knows nothing about drugs and what an overdose can do to the body. I started to revulse after awhile and foamed in my mouth. The pain was. HELL.
My parents were freaked out. What the hell happened? Why is my child shaking like he's gonna explode?
I was rushed to the hospital to have my tummy pumped.
The tubes that were forced down my throat. The intrusion by the nurses and doctors. The pumping of my tummy. The pain of it all. I was supposed to die. In the end, all i had was total pain and suffering.
And my parents were freaked out. They could not scold me. All they had was "Oh son, are you alright?" "Son, what happened? did someone bully you? did someone tell you to do this?"
And the one that floored me. "Son, did I DO something wrong?"
I could only shake my head. "No".
"then what happened? please, please tell mommy and daddy."
"Nothing."
They could not understand this word. Nothing? Here you are almost dying on me and it was NOTHING??!!
I could not tell them the truth. I didn't dare. How could i say it? "Oh, i wanted to die because i think i like boys." ?
How would the react to the news? I didn't want to find out.
We all look for acceptence from the majority around us. Who likes to be an outcaste. Some look for it by conforming to the majority. Some follow the minority.
Me? I just be what i am. You think i'm not fit to be a friend?
Your loss.
EarlGrey
Recently i lost a friend. We both sort of shared a special click with each other. Something that we both can freely talk and disscuss about. So it was quite a shock when i got news that he committed sucide. His life was just beginning. There was so much still left for him to discover and experience. Why? Why did he do it?
He was only 14. A young kid like him, what could we both possibly have in common?
You see, he may be 14, but he has a 24 year old boyfriend.
Yes. He is gay.
But the problem is, he hates himself for BEING gay. But he just could not stop himself from loving his boyfriend.
Faced with a conflict like this, how much can a young mind take before he/she breaks?
Apparently in his case, not much.
I know how he feels because i have been through what he has.
Not many of my friends know this.
But years before, i have attempted sucide myself. Not once, but 3 times. Like him, i hated myself for being what i am. A freak of nature. I asked myself, of all the people in this world, why did it have to be me? Why do i have to be the freak? My first tear i shed for a boy. A junior in my school. It was such a sudden, shocking realisation. I can still remember the replusion i had. The sudden jerk in my mind like one would when he/she was bitten by a snake. The withdrawal into myself.
I hated myself that much.
What would my friends think of me? Would i be laughed at? Made a mockery of? Jeered? What if my parents found out? My relatives?
During my time, there was no such thing as Handphones or the Internet. I felt all alone. There was no one i could talk to, no one i could turn to.
I became quiet, not talking much. Just immersing myself in my school work. Basically just a shell of myself.
As much as i hated myself, i still could not stop loving my junior. His smile, that way he talks, just, HIM.
I finally had enough. I went up to the top floor of a block of flats. I was so prepared to just jump and end it all. Then i looked down the railing. And i froze. It was so high. My vision blured and then my heart sized. I had to look away. It didn't take me long to realise i was shivering. My palms were sweating. I could not jump. It really looks painful.
There HAD to be another way to die.
I went to the roadside. The cars were whizzing by, Fast. Deadly. Right. This would be fast. Just a bang. And i'll be gone. All i have to do is step out on the road.
But what about the driver? because of me, the driver would be in trouble. His car would be damaged, He might even have his licence revoked.
Just because a bloody kid wanted to kill himself.
No, i wanted to kill myself, not drag total strangers into my own actions.
There MUST be other ways to do this. Someway less painful and noisey.
Then i had it. I'll overdose on sleeping pills.
I bought an entire box of sleeping pills and took the whole 24 pills at one time and downed it with coke. But you see, young kids like me knows nothing about drugs and what an overdose can do to the body. I started to revulse after awhile and foamed in my mouth. The pain was. HELL.
My parents were freaked out. What the hell happened? Why is my child shaking like he's gonna explode?
I was rushed to the hospital to have my tummy pumped.
The tubes that were forced down my throat. The intrusion by the nurses and doctors. The pumping of my tummy. The pain of it all. I was supposed to die. In the end, all i had was total pain and suffering.
And my parents were freaked out. They could not scold me. All they had was "Oh son, are you alright?" "Son, what happened? did someone bully you? did someone tell you to do this?"
And the one that floored me. "Son, did I DO something wrong?"
I could only shake my head. "No".
"then what happened? please, please tell mommy and daddy."
"Nothing."
They could not understand this word. Nothing? Here you are almost dying on me and it was NOTHING??!!
I could not tell them the truth. I didn't dare. How could i say it? "Oh, i wanted to die because i think i like boys." ?
How would the react to the news? I didn't want to find out.
We all look for acceptence from the majority around us. Who likes to be an outcaste. Some look for it by conforming to the majority. Some follow the minority.
Me? I just be what i am. You think i'm not fit to be a friend?
Your loss.
EarlGrey
1 Comments:
OMG! 0_o you serious??? >.<
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