Lay Ovey Ouya

Friday 21st July 06 01:00pm

It has finally happened. Someone has finally communicated to me that our friendship is so different now just because of what i am. I won't name anyone. Suffice it to say, when i heard what he had to say, i was sad. Dissapointed, even. But this is just something that we have to live with. Just "one of those things".

He's not the only one. The person i love has, in a sense, stopped communicating with me. For reasons unknown. And i won't go and ask him the reason why. I'am not a confrontational person. If the friendship is weak, then it's weak. I have said the truth of what i am. It's up to the recieving party to accept or not. Isn't it?

I'am not a perfect person. I've NEVER once gave the impression that i am. Yes, we all have "wild" and "dirty" thoughts one time or another. This is what makes us human. I have my urges and lusts too. As do all of us. But a responsible person will know how to keep him/herself in check to make sure that those thoughts are not acted upon. The fact that i love him is unavoidable. But i know where i stand. Unfortunately, no one wants to believe that a gay person can EVER be a good person.

Sad. But true.

Back to most recent news, i have finally decided what i want to do with my life. One word.

Guardian.

"HUH? What shit again?" You may ask. Allow me to explain.

In my life now, it's surrounded by lies, wealth, facades and what nots. I have made a promise to a few people that we will come together and get rich together. In the end, don't we ALL have these dreams? Of the things i have heard and seen, i have realised that the world is very dependent on face value and assumtions.

At home, we have a big bungalow, 3 cars, attached lift and even a roof garden. Impressive? Sure, to a number of people. And when you have certian things coming your way, you tend to grow arrogant. Because you have power. Wealth.

I cannot stand the way my mother talks to people. It's as if the whole world is below her. And the old man? uses his wealth to brag and bullshit his way around his friends. This is one side

On the other, i have a junior who tells me he is so afraid he will flunk his O levels. It's not that he cannot study, but he know where his limit is. He is worried about where his direction is even now, as a teenager.

The old man has no formal kind of education. This junior of mine is educated and in the express stream. Both are totally opposite.

And i want to help my junior. In any way i can that is within the ambit of my power. Just because i love him dearly. People can tease me and make funny names for me. But i really don't care.

I have a platform now where i see Millions of dollars changing hands ever so often. I ask myself, "given what i have now, can i use this to my advantage?"

We all WANT to survive. We all WANT a better life for ourselves and/or our family in the future. Will we DIE if we just cannot get the good grades, no matter how hard we try? I want to challenge that.

I finally realised that i want to make something for myself so that in the end, i can offer some sort of paid jobs to those juniors of mine whom feels lost and afraid of what they will become of in the future.

Now, before you roll your eyeballs and say "Sheesh, who does this person think he is? some kind of god?"

I need to make things very clear. I have and will NEVER play god in any form, kind or fashion. People like Boonyong, Colin, Julius etc etc are special people in my heart. I have long treated them like my own flesh and blood. In the event where they feel they want to be secured with their life, and i can offer them some sort of job in my capacity, why not? Ultimately, when i get rich by my own right, i won't reach my status alone. I will want my family yo share the fruits of my labour with me. Of course, i can't possibly be looking out for people i do not know.

I'am very bias in that regard. So this is my long term goal from now on.

I have also decided that i will NOT enter monkhood after all. I cannot accept the fact that the old man, and not my fatehr, who is alive and well is the one who will offer me my robes and which i have to seek forgiveness from. That, to me, is just plain wrong.

I am a very straight forward person i know. Glen, if you are reading this entry, which i KNOW you will SOMEHOW, know this. DO NOT EVER tell me me what i can do or cannot do, and most definately not what i can or cannot wear. You have lost that right to demand things from me for a very simple reason. You took me for granted. When i told you NOT to sleep in my sister's room, you refused to listen. I even had to give you a good verbal trashing. Yet, that STILL did not work. I told you at work NOT to sleep during office hours, NOT to be late. ALL these, you took it as if i was an idoit talking to you. You feel that the shirt i am wearing now is very important to you and that when i wear it you won't be happy, then let me tell you this. This is HOW it feels like when something important to you is totally disregarded by people you respect as a fellow adult. I will wear what i want WHEN i want it. FULL STOP. Not happy with the way i do things? then don't come to my place at all. Simple as that. Capish?

To the person i love, i suppose you know who you are and you do, as you claim read my blog, i only have one thing to say to you. You can hate me, avoid me or even condem me in your heart. I really have no more energy to bother. But i just need you to do me a favour.

Just tell me so. Say you hate me, say ANYTHING. Tell me you never want to see or hear from me again. At least, i know what my stand is. Don't just ignore me.

If you are wondering, YES, my MSN nick DOES mean "i love you". as for what "Bay Kango" means, you go figure it out yourself.

Just tell me, let me know SOMETHING. Don't keep me guessing. Not too much to ask is it?

EarlGrey