When It No Longer Matters
Tuesday 25th July 06 08:45am
I cried.
For the first time in so long, I cried myself to sleep. My eyes stung. The warm tears flowing without control. I could not breath. The only air i have i got from my opened mouth, chokeing on my anguish. My heart hurt as if it was splitting right in half.
I thought i was stronger then this. I thought i wouldn't feel that way. I thought it would never hurt the way it did.
I thought wrong.
"i'am sorrie" was the only nameless comment made by him. Two simple words. But it stabbed me hard.
He didn't hate me, that's what he said. At that point. I wished to hell he had told me he did.
It hurt me so much. And then i was angry.
Why did he hurt me like this? How COULD he? He would rather be with some girl much older then him, then ever accept the notion that i could ever love him. Yet, all i could do was put up a facade. Wishing him all the best, telling him i was happy for him that he has found someone to love.
And the worst part,
I MEANT every single word.
I want him to be happy. To just see his smile. But i could not take the backlash my emotions have on me.
Love cannot be made to order. That part is the fact of the world. But there is no rule to say that it cannot hurt.
I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink.
He would rather choose a girl much older then him, never mind the age gap. Just so long as she is a girl. With breasts and a vagina.
Did he do this to purposely spite me? To spit in my face? To laugh at me, telling me to go to hell? Why was he so cruel to me? WHY?
WHY WHY WHY?
I smashed my phone to the wall. It shattered in one big painful noise. And at that instant, i was filled with regret. The phone held his picture. The only form of memory i have of him. And i destroyed it.
I was so lost. So many things running in my mind. I was losing it.
And then i felt intense hate.
I cursed him. He will never have a loved one. He will suffer like i have. He will be rejected in life. He will lose everything in life. He will........
I stopped myself. I was lashing out. I have lost control.
In the end, It no longer matters.
One person has to let go.
He has found his happiness for now. I cannot rob him of that. He deserves better. I looked at my diary, plans i have made. Movies i wanted to ask him out to watch.
A flourish, and the pages were gone.
It really hurt. REALLY HURT.
I looked at my watch. 5am.
I have not slept at all.
I got ready to get to work. As i do every morning. I looked at myself in the mirror. I wiped my face. And i put on my mask.
A happy face. A smile.
James died today.
He will never love AGAIN.
EVER.
*to you* I love you, that much is clear. You have hurt me far more then you will ever know. But wounds will heal. I hope to still see you that once every week. If only for that short period of time.
I dun blame you. Never have, Never will.
We all need to cry, and get things out of our system one way or another.
I wish you all the happiness with your relationship now.
REALLY.
EarlGrey
I cried.
For the first time in so long, I cried myself to sleep. My eyes stung. The warm tears flowing without control. I could not breath. The only air i have i got from my opened mouth, chokeing on my anguish. My heart hurt as if it was splitting right in half.
I thought i was stronger then this. I thought i wouldn't feel that way. I thought it would never hurt the way it did.
I thought wrong.
"i'am sorrie" was the only nameless comment made by him. Two simple words. But it stabbed me hard.
He didn't hate me, that's what he said. At that point. I wished to hell he had told me he did.
It hurt me so much. And then i was angry.
Why did he hurt me like this? How COULD he? He would rather be with some girl much older then him, then ever accept the notion that i could ever love him. Yet, all i could do was put up a facade. Wishing him all the best, telling him i was happy for him that he has found someone to love.
And the worst part,
I MEANT every single word.
I want him to be happy. To just see his smile. But i could not take the backlash my emotions have on me.
Love cannot be made to order. That part is the fact of the world. But there is no rule to say that it cannot hurt.
I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink.
He would rather choose a girl much older then him, never mind the age gap. Just so long as she is a girl. With breasts and a vagina.
Did he do this to purposely spite me? To spit in my face? To laugh at me, telling me to go to hell? Why was he so cruel to me? WHY?
WHY WHY WHY?
I smashed my phone to the wall. It shattered in one big painful noise. And at that instant, i was filled with regret. The phone held his picture. The only form of memory i have of him. And i destroyed it.
I was so lost. So many things running in my mind. I was losing it.
And then i felt intense hate.
I cursed him. He will never have a loved one. He will suffer like i have. He will be rejected in life. He will lose everything in life. He will........
I stopped myself. I was lashing out. I have lost control.
In the end, It no longer matters.
One person has to let go.
He has found his happiness for now. I cannot rob him of that. He deserves better. I looked at my diary, plans i have made. Movies i wanted to ask him out to watch.
A flourish, and the pages were gone.
It really hurt. REALLY HURT.
I looked at my watch. 5am.
I have not slept at all.
I got ready to get to work. As i do every morning. I looked at myself in the mirror. I wiped my face. And i put on my mask.
A happy face. A smile.
James died today.
He will never love AGAIN.
EVER.
*to you* I love you, that much is clear. You have hurt me far more then you will ever know. But wounds will heal. I hope to still see you that once every week. If only for that short period of time.
I dun blame you. Never have, Never will.
We all need to cry, and get things out of our system one way or another.
I wish you all the happiness with your relationship now.
REALLY.
EarlGrey
6 Comments:
the i'm sorrie comment wasn't made by him...unfortunately or fortunately...oh wellz...cry n get over it...pls stand up again soon ):
cry it all out James... it helps =)
it was a good decision you made - letting go
it was hurting you yet you still keep it. Dont. It really hurts - I know how it feels.
But life is like a roller coaster, ups and downs, turns etc. but in the end it'll be alright.
Remember this, if it is not okay in the first place, don't worry for it will be okay later.
Also, smile okay? =)
To anonymous: who are you? Glen? or the 21 year old GF?
I dun like people who don't want to identify themselves.
den i will just stop leaving comments...jia you in life!!
It's only poliet to identify yourself when you say sorry to a person. if not, then dun be a hypocrite.
Either you identify yourself or i'll lock my blog.
ok den bye bye..
Post a Comment
<< Home