Reflected Reflections
Monday 10th Feb 2008 8:45am
Over the weekend, i was busy attending the Aikido Shinjukai's 20th Anniversary Celebrations. Well, maybe not attending but rather, volunteering. Throughout the course of the seminar, i made new friends and realised just how much i do not know about Aikido. It was a humbling experience for me and in the course of that understanding, i actually sat down and took stock of what i have lost and gained in my life thus far.
I complain. I whine. Basically behave like a bloody spoilt little brat. All that aside, i have to understand WHY i do all those things.
Was i trying to attract attention? Was i insecure? Was i lonely? Or was i just mentally unsound? I will just go ahead and bite the bullet.
I was ALL of the above. Irregardless of age/maturity or the illusion of such, we have to realise that as humans (flawed with all our imperfections), we have emotions and sometimes the lack of control over our mental capacities. I.e, we still do and act stupid at times.
But the big question remains. WHY?
I have a sister and 2 brothers whom i know will be there for me should i need them. I have my own house and car, money in the bank and basically not much financial debts to worry about. I have friends or the appearance of friends around me. I have a certain status amongst my students in Aikido; they respect me and view me as a good instrutor. The parents are happy with the way i conduct class and most importantly, i have been able to do what i love to do, act on tv.
Now why in the name of all that is holy do i still whine and complain about life? AM I FREAKING CRAZY?!
I realised that it's all because of one word.
EXPECTATIONS.
We all have expectations. We deny it, we refuse to see it. But we all know that it's there.
I expect my siblings to REMEMBER my birthday. I found out recently that one of my siblings "forgot" about my birthday. I was dissapointed. I expect my students to learn and listen attentively when i conduct class. When they deviate from my expectations, i feel annoyed. I expect Jon Lai to return me my money and keep his promises on that issue. I am dissapointed when he did not. I expected him to apologise to me when he took me for granted and made me wait like a fool for something that did not happen in the end. He did not. I expected Issac to prioritise his commitments to return me what he owes me. I felt cheated when i realised he would rather purchase Maroon 5 tickets and new shoes rather then honour his debt to me. I expected JiaQing to appriciate the help i had given him and the care and concern i have showed him. His nonchalant attitude dissapoints me. So many things which i have expectations of. Including on myself. I expected myself to be of good skills with the awarding of my black belt and of training hard the past few years. I realised what a bloody fool i have been. I have been NOTHING in terms of skill and standard to wear the belt. It was a sobering and painful lesson to realise that one has still a long way to go before he/she can even think of him/herself as skilled.
Driving gives me a good apportunity to think and meditate on these few issues. Ironic, considering i HATE driving. LOL
I have to realise that for my siblings, they have their own lives to lead. No one can have a date imprinted in their head FOREVER. Birthday or not, i will still be there the next day, and the day after. This year no "happy birthday", there will still be a next year.
I have to realise that friends do come and go. Jon Lai has a commitment now to his girlfriend and he most definately has other friends outside. He works hard for his income and he will have more pressing issues to take care of. As for taking me for granted, he may have been held back on his apology because of his guilt. One should understand that it's not always easy to apologise to people, especially when they know i can lecture them for hours and hours (Yes, i have THAT much stamina when it comes to lecturing people :P).
Isaac's case is no different. He worked hard for his money. He should have the power to decide what he wants to do with his income. Although it is very dissapointing to realise that people are taking you for granted ("oh, he is ok lar, his debt can hold one... will pay him back one day.... just not today"), I have to remember that i have accepted them as close to me as my flesh and blood brothers. With that acceptence comes acceptence of their goodness and flaws, even if it means the fact that they take me for granted because i was always "just there".
I have alot more to learn in my Aikido. Alot more to keep up with. I will not make the same mistake again.
I am still trying to let go of the pain and dissapointment i have in me now. It is NOT EASY to do at all.
Even if i end up celebrating my coming birthday on the 21st on my own, At least i know that somehow, the people i care about in my life are happy and healthy, and they will remember me in their own way when they are ready and when the time is right.
EarlGrey
Over the weekend, i was busy attending the Aikido Shinjukai's 20th Anniversary Celebrations. Well, maybe not attending but rather, volunteering. Throughout the course of the seminar, i made new friends and realised just how much i do not know about Aikido. It was a humbling experience for me and in the course of that understanding, i actually sat down and took stock of what i have lost and gained in my life thus far.
I complain. I whine. Basically behave like a bloody spoilt little brat. All that aside, i have to understand WHY i do all those things.
Was i trying to attract attention? Was i insecure? Was i lonely? Or was i just mentally unsound? I will just go ahead and bite the bullet.
I was ALL of the above. Irregardless of age/maturity or the illusion of such, we have to realise that as humans (flawed with all our imperfections), we have emotions and sometimes the lack of control over our mental capacities. I.e, we still do and act stupid at times.
But the big question remains. WHY?
I have a sister and 2 brothers whom i know will be there for me should i need them. I have my own house and car, money in the bank and basically not much financial debts to worry about. I have friends or the appearance of friends around me. I have a certain status amongst my students in Aikido; they respect me and view me as a good instrutor. The parents are happy with the way i conduct class and most importantly, i have been able to do what i love to do, act on tv.
Now why in the name of all that is holy do i still whine and complain about life? AM I FREAKING CRAZY?!
I realised that it's all because of one word.
EXPECTATIONS.
We all have expectations. We deny it, we refuse to see it. But we all know that it's there.
I expect my siblings to REMEMBER my birthday. I found out recently that one of my siblings "forgot" about my birthday. I was dissapointed. I expect my students to learn and listen attentively when i conduct class. When they deviate from my expectations, i feel annoyed. I expect Jon Lai to return me my money and keep his promises on that issue. I am dissapointed when he did not. I expected him to apologise to me when he took me for granted and made me wait like a fool for something that did not happen in the end. He did not. I expected Issac to prioritise his commitments to return me what he owes me. I felt cheated when i realised he would rather purchase Maroon 5 tickets and new shoes rather then honour his debt to me. I expected JiaQing to appriciate the help i had given him and the care and concern i have showed him. His nonchalant attitude dissapoints me. So many things which i have expectations of. Including on myself. I expected myself to be of good skills with the awarding of my black belt and of training hard the past few years. I realised what a bloody fool i have been. I have been NOTHING in terms of skill and standard to wear the belt. It was a sobering and painful lesson to realise that one has still a long way to go before he/she can even think of him/herself as skilled.
Driving gives me a good apportunity to think and meditate on these few issues. Ironic, considering i HATE driving. LOL
I have to realise that for my siblings, they have their own lives to lead. No one can have a date imprinted in their head FOREVER. Birthday or not, i will still be there the next day, and the day after. This year no "happy birthday", there will still be a next year.
I have to realise that friends do come and go. Jon Lai has a commitment now to his girlfriend and he most definately has other friends outside. He works hard for his income and he will have more pressing issues to take care of. As for taking me for granted, he may have been held back on his apology because of his guilt. One should understand that it's not always easy to apologise to people, especially when they know i can lecture them for hours and hours (Yes, i have THAT much stamina when it comes to lecturing people :P).
Isaac's case is no different. He worked hard for his money. He should have the power to decide what he wants to do with his income. Although it is very dissapointing to realise that people are taking you for granted ("oh, he is ok lar, his debt can hold one... will pay him back one day.... just not today"), I have to remember that i have accepted them as close to me as my flesh and blood brothers. With that acceptence comes acceptence of their goodness and flaws, even if it means the fact that they take me for granted because i was always "just there".
I have alot more to learn in my Aikido. Alot more to keep up with. I will not make the same mistake again.
I am still trying to let go of the pain and dissapointment i have in me now. It is NOT EASY to do at all.
Even if i end up celebrating my coming birthday on the 21st on my own, At least i know that somehow, the people i care about in my life are happy and healthy, and they will remember me in their own way when they are ready and when the time is right.
EarlGrey
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